Confessions, at last

The other night I was calming my sister's 2 month old baby down. She is TINY. Smaller than Big T ever was. I was looking into her little eyes and it hit me HARD that I want another one so bad. I started doing "the blink." They weren't tears of joy either. Why?

Bristol was born 5 weeks early. I was pre-eclamptic, and because Bristol was completely breached I had an emergency c-section. She was in the NICU for one week. read more here
Then Tytan came along. I was determined on having him naturally. Then after 11+ hours of "contractions", 3 epidurals, and an immense amount of pain (to keep it short) Dr. O. demanded another c-section...my uterus was rupturing. Dr. O. was right, 4 of the 5 layers of uterus was gone and Big T was 10 lbs, not 8. Oops! read more here


So, getting my kids here isn't that easy. I can do it right? Well...this is where my denial issues start to come in.

See, if it isn't bad enough having tough delivery and recoveries, I have "Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disease" on top of it all. This is rheumatoid arthritis, lupus, etc. all squished into one thing. So basically my joints            
hurt.
There, I said it for the world to hear.

Let me explain. I was diagnosed at age 18 during my second semester of college. I was so mad, yet relieved that I could get relief from the pain. Arthritis runs in my family, so I wasn't too surprised. (On a side note...to all of you who witnessed a complete change physically, emotionally, and in my personality while a Freshman in college...SO SORRY. My meds required a lot of sleep which was hard to get, and they made me lose my hair, get sick when I ate, develop sores in my mouth and nose, and get tired really fast. Had I known they would do that to me...I may have just gone home until I adjusted. I really am sorry!) But,little did I know what the future held.

Dr.s have told me that a large family just isn't in my future. Ha! What do they know? Not much...I'm going to have 6 or 7. Heavenly Father will help me along the way.

So here are the issues:

1. Two c-sections means all c-sections from here on out. That's major surgery folks, and a little frame like mine can only handle so much of it.
2. A ruptured uterus means a long recovery, and careful examination after giving birth
3.UCTD means going off of my "heavenly" meds in order to have safe pregnancies
4. No meds means pain
5. Pain means joint deterioration
6. Joint deterioration means...well lets just stop there.

My goal is now 4. Just pray I get there k?

I'm not opposed to adoption. To be honest, I haven't given it that much thought. We will see what the future holds!

Now...don't think that I am in the depths of despair over this. I am content with who I am and the trials I'll go through in order to make it back upstairs. An even bigger blessing is that I have two healthy, and adorable children. I would go through it all over and over again to have them here with me. My Heavenly Father has a plan for me...it may not be my idea of a plan, but is it ever? And in this Season of Thanksgiving, I am so grateful to be here with the body that I have. What a blessing motherhood is, no matter how our children become ours. I love them more than anything!

Thanks for listening. If you read that all...you deserve a prize!